Relationships are not easy. But we need to learn to navigate through a myriad of true and un-true to our heart connections. Being involved with a married guy is not new in this world. How people deal with this situation can be different depending on many factors, both psychological and demographical. I simply adore the way an author and behavior analyst Carmen McGuinness offers to those women who find themselves enveloped in the nets of a married guy. Check this out for yourself, I do hope you’ll enjoy it, too.
There you are minding your own business, when an adorable, but very married guy hones into your stratosphere. Within a meeting or two, you can tell what’s happening, and here’s why. When a married man is interested in a single woman, he has to let her know somehow. All that goes along with somehow, can be tremendously provocative. The admiring glances, the camouflaged compliments, the near brushes against her in the elevator, are all meant to say, “I’ve never wanted anyone quite like I want you.” And there is something else his attention seems to say, “I’m willing to take tremendous risks to be with you.” These two coded messages can literally sweep a girl off her feet.
But be warned, what happens next can determine your peace of mind for the next week to five years of your life. A week, because that’s about how long it’ll take him to lose interest in you if you don’t reciprocate. Five years because the data show that adulterous relationships tend not to last beyond four years. And by then you’ll need a year to get over him. And of course, there are the in-between variations on this. For example, maybe a year, because with many married men, the relationship will last only two or three ‘dates’ and then you’ll have the many months of feeling bad about yourself after he stops coming around.
So how to avoid all this? Here are some helpful tips.
Tip 1 – Knowledge
… is the first and perhaps the most powerful tool to keep you safe from Mr. Adorable. Just knowing the above stats is enough to shake many women out of an early crush and into boycotting a married man. And here are two more bit of knowledge to sharpen your resolve.
Less than ten-percent of married men remarry with their affair partner, even if the first marriage ends as a result of the affair. So, maybe make post-it notes and pin them to your mirror and refrigerator, because those stats aren’t promising.
The vast majority of married men who cheat, admit that their number one reason was about sex.
Tip 2 – Daydreaming is great!
But not about him. When you pair free-time, your favorite song, and a nice glass of wine with Mr. Adorable, the value of those reinforcers spill over to him. You give him reinforcement power he doesn’t deserve. But more on this in the next section.
Tip 3 – Let thoughts of him float by instead of pushing them away.
That’s right! The data are in, when we push thoughts away, supposedly out of our mind, we actually increase their incentive value. So instead of trying not to think of him, try simply noticing that you were thinking of him instead, and letting the thought float out the same window it floated in through. And when you daydream, because hey you’re a girl, right, invent the perfect man to daydream about instead of him. There are reasons toymakers didn’t make a Married Ken doll.
Tip 4 – Initiate a no ruminating rule.
In other words, don’t replay those scenes of his admiring glances, camouflaged compliments, and near brushes in the elevator. Every time you replay these in your mind, you increase their likelihood of coming up again, kind of like Google’s page rank algorithm.
How to let him know he’s not for you?
Tip 5 – Get rid of him.
Chances are that if you do all of the above he’ll move on and find another likely mark, becoming someone else’s heartache. But if he persists, or tries to be just friends, you need to make it obvious.
Tip 6 – Don’t make it about his marital status.
If you do, the message he’ll take away is, “You’re adorable. Too bad you’re married.” Instead, simply let him know, like you would any other guy you’re not interested in, that he’s not for you. Why, is none of his business.
Tip 7 – Involve a friend.
One of the saddest stats about women who become involved with married men is that they allow themselves to become isolated. Whether shame or fear of being persuaded against what they want to do, they don’t tend to tell their friends what’s going on. Confiding in a trusted friend, someone who won’t judge, but will protect you, can provide a lifeline during moments of weakness.
So, there you go. There are seven tips on how not to get your heart broken by that adorable married guy. Last tip, love yourself enough to follow the first seven.
If you enjoyed this post, check out Carmen’s new book on Love, Lust and Infidelity!
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— Celebrate Woman (@DiscoverSelf) July 27, 2017